37. One Wedding, Two Funerals, Three Letters, Thirty Years

 Victoria Park, Hackney, December 1981

Sugar Mountain, 7th March 1982
Dear Mum and Dad,

Thank you for your letters and thoughts over the past few weeks. So much has happened I am still in a bit of a daze what with the wedding and the funeral so close together. I didn’t make it to Mary’s Dad’s funeral, I’m afraid – Mary’s was more than enough for one week.

Everyone has been very kind, particularly Tony and Heather, the next-door neighbours, in making sure that I am OK. I went into work for a few days last week and will start back tomorrow. There doesn’t seem to be anything else to do really.

I was so pleased that Mary managed to make it to England over Christmas to meet the family. After the re-occurrence of her cancer last winter it was clearly only a matter of time for her. Although the trip was very tiring Mary wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. As you can see from the enclosed letter I found among her things, she loved the warm welcome and I too was proud to ‘show her off’ and see how you all loved her. The trip provided so many memories to add to all the good times Mary and I had together and helped me to feel I had done everything possible to maintain the quality of our life right up to the end. As you can see from the wedding photographs Mary was still able to ‘front up’ and look cheerful and that was a wonderful and beautiful day for us both and for all those who were there. The tape of the service was not good so we are trying to copy it and eliminate some of the extraneous noises – mostly cicadas from the bush outside. I should be able to send you that in another week or so.

I’m sorry not to have written sooner. I have been going through lots of papers and things and generally trying to organise the house and myself. It’s still hard to believe that Mary is not going to bounce back once again from all the illness. She was in very little pain until the last few hours and that was a mercy but she had such spirit and such a strong will to live that it was impossible for her to accept that she wasn’t going to make it after all. It wasn’t really until the Wednesday night, two nights before she died, that I think she began to doubt her ability to recover once again.

Please thank Lynette for her kind letter. Anita was very touched by your letter to her. It has been really tough on her too with her father’s affairs to be settled. Anyway tomorrow she is off on a ten day cruise to the Pacific Islands and Australia ‘shouted’ (i.e. paid for) by a kind friend who is a travel agent. It’s the same cruise that Mary went on three years ago so it will give her a good break and a much-earned rest. She was tremendous here during Mary’s last week and we were both so happy that Mary died here at home. Although it was terrible to watch her gradually losing her strength we would have hated for her to be in hospital. On the Thursday before Mary died David Loughlin from Taupo arrived and stayed the night (as he often does). He was just magnificent in helping with all the funeral arrangements and took a great burden from me. The funeral itself was a very moving occasion and gave Mary the kind of send off she always wanted. We didn’t manage to arrange a brass band – which was one of her desires! – but otherwise it was quite an occasion. All sorts of people have written to me saying how much Mary meant to them, including one of her primary school teachers now in her 80s who could remember Mary as a child and hadn’t seen her for years and years.

I am trying to take things fairly quietly. I have played a bit of tennis at the weekend. Once I have sorted out the house I will get stuck into the garden which, as you say, is very therapeutic. Then when the May school holidays come I may take the children down to stay with David or Raewyn in Taupo or Elizabeth and Peter in Napier. There are lots of good friends I can call on for meals when I feel a bit lonely, and lots of happy times with Mary to recall.

I am so pleased to hear of your plans to come to New Zealand with Elizabeth in August and will try and keep some time completely clear. I was also pleased to hear that Lynette can help with the fare since Mary and I spent all our credit (and a bit more too!) on our two months overseas and my cash position is not too healthy at present! It will also take the best part of six months to settle Mary’s estate and sort out the taxman. Let me know the places you want to visit and I will start collecting brochures. Will you try and go to Australia and the South Pacific as well (Tonga? Fiji? New Caledonia? Norfolk Island? Tahiti? Hawaii? – lots of exotic possibilities.) As Mary used to say – Do it now!

Belated birthday wishes to Ruth and to you, Dad. I was thinking of you and had hoped to phone. Elizabeth phoned me last week. I could hear her but she couldn’t hear me, which was very frustrating.

All my love,
John

Malvern Link, Christmas 1981

 

142 Point View Drive

Papatoetoe r.d.1.

Auckland. N.Z.

27.1.82

Dear Bwana and Mrs Deeks, or should I say Cathy or Bwanaess.

It was nice to hear your voices once again last night just as though we were about to leave England instead of having arrived home.

John has gone off today loaded with gifts for the children so they will be having Xmas all over again. It doesn’t take long to unload the bags and distribute the goodies and suddenly the excitement is over and the plain hard facts of ‘jet lag’ and the washing and ironing brings one back to earth. I shall never forget my ‘snow experience’ and your wonderful kindness in sharing your home and your love with us for Xmas.

One nice thing I can tell you as an’“outsider’ having met and just lived briefly with all your family is how much they love you both and respect everything you have spent your life’s work doing. They will never get round to telling you but you are both their proudest treasures. And of course now you are both a part of my treasure trove of memories as well. I am still marvelling at the production of those wonderful meals for everyone over the holiday time and the welcome for everyone who landed on your doorstep. There really should be an award for such a performance. I hope I can cope as well when it is my turn.

California was not as exciting on our way home as we were both so exhausted and feeling terrible. Even John took to his bed for three days and hardly surfaced. He has lost nearly a stone in weight and was violently ill in the plane on the way back. I am off to the doctor this afternoon. I have a good Los Angeles smog cough and of course must follow through on my blood tests.

My Dad is not well. He had been in hospital three times while we were away and had lost a stone and a half so I was quite shocked when I saw him. So pray for him. It is so hard to see someone you love having to go through so much suffering. My aunt has been marvellous with him and Anita deserves a medal for all she has had to do while I was away. We rely on each other so much it is awful when one of us is out of town.

Sugar Mountain should be renamed Sugar Jungle – you can hardly see the house for grass and weeds and thistles. Our kind neighbours trimmed the driveway for us and around the garage door which was marvellous, otherwise I think we might have had to hack a pathway to the door. My dear sister and friends had cleaned the house and put in food and flowers and a lovely welcome home card. It was good to be home.

I am having my hair done at the moment and the girls have got the salon looking like a new pin. I don’t think I have ever seen the floor so shiny and there just isn’t a spec of dust anywhere. It would make Harrods pull their socks up.

In the French cafés in Paris I was quite taken with the fresh pink cream and green décor of some of the places and thought they would be good colours to redecorate but as it is all looking so good I can forget redecorating for a while till I get my strength back. Someone rang us at home last night and is interested in buying the salon so we are going to discuss it later in the week. There is a lot to be considered

  

Malvern Hills, New Year's Day 1982

Saturday March 13th 1982
Dear Mr and Mrs Deeks,

Thank you for your very lovely letter; this is the first chance I have had to sit and write or be able to concentrate enough to feel like doing anything much. With the events of the last few weeks life has changed completely.

As you know I went and stayed with John and Mary for two weeks before she died, the first week was taken up with wedding arrangements and went very quickly.

John and Mary's wedding was the most beautiful occasion that it could possibly be and you would have been very proud if you could have seen your son and heard him speak, he was the bravest one there apart from Mary. He said all the most beautiful and meaningful words of love and praise to Mary and in front of all our relatives and friends and his own children. I don’t think he left a thing unspoken of all the things a man could say to and about the woman he loves.

The week after the wedding was very sad. Mary’s condition deteriorated very rapidly and John never left her side. Mary said she couldn’t be happier and when she died we were both holding her in our arms and her last words were I love you. I couldn’t believe she had gone.

I’m very glad you had an opportunity to meet Mary as she was a very special individual, and even though John and Mary did things back to front it didn’t seem to matter because they were both so happy. In fact I don’t know why they didn’t get married sooner, they just didn’t get around to it. They built a magnificent home and achieved a tremendous amount of work, even the trip, considering Mary had been very ill for some time, even John with his operation, was quite an ordeal as well, so I think they put much more into life in that short few years than they ever took out.

There are so many things I want to say its just impossible to write them all, but I just want you to know how much I appreciate the love that John shared with Mary, because she was the dearest person in the world to me and I hope I can cope without her. I miss her so much it hurts all the time and I know John feels the same. People say only time will heal. At the present time I don’t think so but other people have to cope so why can’t I. Losing Dad was a terrible blow also and not being able to be in two places at a time was a nightmare, but if there is a life thereafter I know it would have been a lovely surprise for Dad to find Mary waiting for him because they loved each other very much also, and that is my only consolation at the moment that they are hopefully together and not in anymore pain and misery.

Well at the present moment of writing I am somewhere at sea heading for Noumea and Sydney on the Oriana. I was asked by one of Mary’s special friends if I would be an escort for a group of senior citizens, thirty-six in all, so I accepted, everyone seemed to think that it would do me good. I think it is. The people I have met are fabulous, some of them are in their eighties and I am getting on very well with them. I do a bit of organising for them and help them find their way around on the ship. It’s a lovely job and I think I would like to do it all the time. We are heading into a very hot and humid climate, quite a change from New Zealand and certainly quite the opposite to what you have been through during your bad winter. The ship that I am on is with the P & O line and most of the crew are English. They are lots of fun and all seem to have wonderful senses of humour, so that helps to get through the days. When I return to New Zealand on the 21^st of March I will be going back to work so life will return to normal I guess. Anyway thank you once again for writing to me. Please write again sometime, I would like to keep in touch. I will be keeping an eye on John as we are now business partners until Mary’s affairs are sorted and so I will be seeing him from time to time. As a matter of fact he is the only one in the world who shared the experience with me of Mary’s death and I feel he is the only one that will ever know or could possibly ever know the agony of the past few weeks other than God, so I don’t want to lose touch with him. I haven’t mentioned my husband yet he was a tower of strength all through as well, so I have been very lucky. Well once again I must say au revoir and hope to hear from you again.

Kindest regards,
Anita McGowan.

Mary Elizabeth Deeks (nee Pohlen), 20th May 1939 - 19th February 1982

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For the source of these letters see blog 31, "Love, Death and Letters from My Mother's Hut".
For a piece based on a day of our 1981/82 overseas trip see blog 19, "In London, In Love".
See also blog 31, ""Trips to National Women's Hospital, Piha and Auckland's West Coast" , and the story "Mr Oliphant's Tears" (blog 15).